Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.
Who Does Co-dependency Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:
An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.
How Do Co-dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.
How is Co-dependency Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.
When Co-dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Addicted to Addiction! Headline Animator
Sunday, 24 July 2011
“relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive
The Timeless Wisdom of Buddha
One of his students asked Buddha,
"Are you the messiah?"
"No", answered Buddha.
"Then are you a healer?"
"No", Buddha replied.
"Then are you a teacher?" the student persisted.
"No, I am not a teacher."
"Then what are you?" asked the student, exasperated.
"I am awake," Buddha replied
Monday, 13 September 2010
Is it normal not to be interested into really knowing people? Can it be a sign of codependency recovery? | Codependency Freedom
I know this is kind of a weird question. Lately I have found out that I do not have a need to know new people on a deeper level and that I am more comfortable just socializing in groups. I am usually outgoing, friendly and talkative but these days I love to spend time alone and trying to know what trully interests me. I have to force myself to initiate conversations and do not have a need to hang out with people on the weekends. I know I should be making more effort in approaching people and asking to do some things together but I just do not feel that comfortable. I don’t feel like I always have that connection with someone and do not have that need to act desperate or clingy and hate being in one-sided relationships. Hopefully that does make sense. Has anyone gone through similar stage as I am going right now. Can you explain more what could be going on?"
Codependency - Addicted to an Addict?
Codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
'Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self.'
~Terry Kellogg"
Sunday, 15 August 2010
father-son relationship may affect how sons, when they've grown into adults, deal with day-to-day stress in their lives
father-son relationship may affect how sons, when they've grown into adults, deal with day-to-day stress in their lives, a new study suggests.
Men who characterized their childhood relationship with their dads as good were more likely to be less emotional in handling stressful events on a daily basis, the U.S. research shows.
The findings emerged from a national sample of about 1,000 men and women who were questioned every day for a week on a wide variety of topics, and who had provided information not only on their relationships but health, medications, socioeconomic status and more.
"Men who on days where they have a stressor are more reactive to it -- they're more likely to be in a bad mood and have higher levels of psychological stress -- these are the men who reported having poor relationships with their father in childhood," said psychologist Melanie Mallers, a stress health researcher at California State University-Fullerton.
Mallers presented her study at the American Psychological Association's annual convention in San Diego on Thursday. The work has been accepted for publication in an upcoming journal, she said.
Most of the parent-child literature focuses on the importance of the mother in the future success of a child. Mallers said she wasn't digging for the link that emerged between dads, their adult sons, and coping with stress.
"It reared its head all on its own, and showed that dads really, really matter for their sons," she said in an interview from Fullerton before heading to the conference.
"They matter for their daughters too, but they're especially significant for how adult men, the children who grow up to become adults, how they react to stress.
"There's a strong link between having poor relationships with your dad in childhood and how you do react to stress as an adult."
To determine the strength of their relationships, subjects were asked questions such as: "How would you rate your relationship with your mother during the years when you were growing up?" and "How much time and attention did your father give you when you needed it?"
The daily phone calls asked, among other things, about their health, what they were angry about and what stressors they had dealt with: "Did they get in a fight with someone, did they get in a car accident, did they forget to pay a bill, did they lose hours from a job, did they have to work longer?" Mallers said.
These kinds of day-to-day issues have an impact on health, sometimes more than major happenings like a divorce or the death of a loved one, she said.
The findings are powerful from a research point of view, Mallers said, but she also sees them through the lens of motherhood.
"As a mom, when I see the way my husband interacts with my son, I realize this is having lasting effects on how he's going to cope, my son, how he's going to cope when he's older," she said. "And he's learning things from his dad that I can't necessarily teach him."
Overall, participants were more likely to describe their childhood relationship with their mom as better than the relationship with their dad. And more men reported a better mother-child relationship than women, the study found.
People with good mother-child relationships reported three per cent less psychological distress compared to those with a poor relationship.
A poor relationship with both parents was associated with more stressful incidents over the eight-day period, compared to those reporting a good parent-child bond.
Mallers said she believes we need to have men more involved in children's lives as role models, whether it's as a parent or in child care and school settings.
"What men can do for boys, the way they play with them, the way they talk with them, the way they teach them to be assertive, the way they teach them to problem-solve -- it has profound lasting implications."
Men who characterized their childhood relationship with their dads as good were more likely to be less emotional in handling stressful events on a daily basis, the U.S. research shows.
The findings emerged from a national sample of about 1,000 men and women who were questioned every day for a week on a wide variety of topics, and who had provided information not only on their relationships but health, medications, socioeconomic status and more.
"Men who on days where they have a stressor are more reactive to it -- they're more likely to be in a bad mood and have higher levels of psychological stress -- these are the men who reported having poor relationships with their father in childhood," said psychologist Melanie Mallers, a stress health researcher at California State University-Fullerton.
Mallers presented her study at the American Psychological Association's annual convention in San Diego on Thursday. The work has been accepted for publication in an upcoming journal, she said.
Most of the parent-child literature focuses on the importance of the mother in the future success of a child. Mallers said she wasn't digging for the link that emerged between dads, their adult sons, and coping with stress.
"It reared its head all on its own, and showed that dads really, really matter for their sons," she said in an interview from Fullerton before heading to the conference.
"They matter for their daughters too, but they're especially significant for how adult men, the children who grow up to become adults, how they react to stress.
"There's a strong link between having poor relationships with your dad in childhood and how you do react to stress as an adult."
To determine the strength of their relationships, subjects were asked questions such as: "How would you rate your relationship with your mother during the years when you were growing up?" and "How much time and attention did your father give you when you needed it?"
The daily phone calls asked, among other things, about their health, what they were angry about and what stressors they had dealt with: "Did they get in a fight with someone, did they get in a car accident, did they forget to pay a bill, did they lose hours from a job, did they have to work longer?" Mallers said.
These kinds of day-to-day issues have an impact on health, sometimes more than major happenings like a divorce or the death of a loved one, she said.
The findings are powerful from a research point of view, Mallers said, but she also sees them through the lens of motherhood.
"As a mom, when I see the way my husband interacts with my son, I realize this is having lasting effects on how he's going to cope, my son, how he's going to cope when he's older," she said. "And he's learning things from his dad that I can't necessarily teach him."
Overall, participants were more likely to describe their childhood relationship with their mom as better than the relationship with their dad. And more men reported a better mother-child relationship than women, the study found.
People with good mother-child relationships reported three per cent less psychological distress compared to those with a poor relationship.
A poor relationship with both parents was associated with more stressful incidents over the eight-day period, compared to those reporting a good parent-child bond.
Mallers said she believes we need to have men more involved in children's lives as role models, whether it's as a parent or in child care and school settings.
"What men can do for boys, the way they play with them, the way they talk with them, the way they teach them to be assertive, the way they teach them to problem-solve -- it has profound lasting implications."
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
ADDICTED TO LOVE
Breaking up can be painful, we all know. But now researchers are showing that heartbreak produces many of the same physical symptoms as cocaine withdrawal.
For a study recently published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers scanned the brains of people who had recently been dumped. They found the areas of the brain that were activated were the same as in those who are withdrawing from cocaine.
The study used MRIs to record the brain activity of 15 university-aged women and men who had recently been dumped by their long-term partners and who described themselves as still being "absolutely and very intensely in love."
The participants' brains were scanned as they looked at images of their lost loves. Then each was shown a "neutral" image of a casual acquaintance for comparison purposes.
Researchers found that looking at photos of former partners stimulated several key areas of participants' brains much more than viewing pictures of "neutral" people.
Specifically, the nucleus accumbens and prefrontal cortex (related to intense addiction to cocaine and cigarettes) were activated, as were the ventral tegmental area (related to feelings of romantic love), and the insular cortex and the anterior cingulate (related to physical pain).
Study author and clinical professor of neuroscience at Albert Einstein College of Medicine Dr. Lucy Brown says romantic love can offer the same high as cocaine, and create similar feeling of withdrawal when the reward is withdrawn. But she notes that while romantic love and cocaine can be addictive, it's natural to get addicted to love.
"An interesting perspective is that romantic love is the natural, original addiction. Nature gave us this addiction, and in a sense we need it. It protects us," she told CTV's Canada AM Monday from New York.
She also notes that while breaking an addiction to a romantic love is hard, it can be done.
"You have to let the unconscious processes in your brain help you to heal. Time will change things," she said.
"And we can take a lesson from people who are recovering from cocaine addition and go to support groups: talk to people who are supportive, people who are sympathetic and understand. Talk about it. Think about what was good about the relationship and what was bad about it. And know that nature has given you these symptoms the next time."
For a study recently published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers scanned the brains of people who had recently been dumped. They found the areas of the brain that were activated were the same as in those who are withdrawing from cocaine.
The study used MRIs to record the brain activity of 15 university-aged women and men who had recently been dumped by their long-term partners and who described themselves as still being "absolutely and very intensely in love."
The participants' brains were scanned as they looked at images of their lost loves. Then each was shown a "neutral" image of a casual acquaintance for comparison purposes.
Researchers found that looking at photos of former partners stimulated several key areas of participants' brains much more than viewing pictures of "neutral" people.
Specifically, the nucleus accumbens and prefrontal cortex (related to intense addiction to cocaine and cigarettes) were activated, as were the ventral tegmental area (related to feelings of romantic love), and the insular cortex and the anterior cingulate (related to physical pain).
Study author and clinical professor of neuroscience at Albert Einstein College of Medicine Dr. Lucy Brown says romantic love can offer the same high as cocaine, and create similar feeling of withdrawal when the reward is withdrawn. But she notes that while romantic love and cocaine can be addictive, it's natural to get addicted to love.
"An interesting perspective is that romantic love is the natural, original addiction. Nature gave us this addiction, and in a sense we need it. It protects us," she told CTV's Canada AM Monday from New York.
She also notes that while breaking an addiction to a romantic love is hard, it can be done.
"You have to let the unconscious processes in your brain help you to heal. Time will change things," she said.
"And we can take a lesson from people who are recovering from cocaine addition and go to support groups: talk to people who are supportive, people who are sympathetic and understand. Talk about it. Think about what was good about the relationship and what was bad about it. And know that nature has given you these symptoms the next time."
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